Since I got back to singing professionally on the 10th of July, I have been waiting for that feeling. I’ve been fairly lucky with work since then: I’ve done a recording, a fair few church services, and two live-streamed recitals. It’s not that each one has left me cold, it just hasn’t been quite the real deal. Even the church service I described as ‘thrilling’ a few blog posts back, lacked… something. It hadn’t helped that post-lockdown my nervous tension had shifted from my stomach to my vocal folds - leaving me partially voiceless on each of these occasions. And more worryingly, I didn’t feel particularly relieved to be back to work.
That all changed yesterday. My first official concert to a physical audience since lockdown. For starters, I woke up with a comforting bout of diarrhoea. Comforting might sound strange to you, but this is what I’ve come to expect on concert days. And my voice has never felt better. The right kind of nerves then.
We then had a suspiciously good rehearsal. This normally means complete carnage is due by the time of the performance.
But instead, as we walked out in front of a full, socially-distanced audience (the good thing about social-distancing is that a place looks full with half the people!) at St John’s Waterloo, I felt the surge of relief I have been waiting for. And it was even better than expected. Overwhelming in fact. In the first Berg song, I think Richard and I both wondered if we might have to stop and take a breath - but we just about kept a lid on it. And what followed was the most electrifying performing experience of my (very short) career to date. The energy and attentiveness the audience gave us was like nothing I have ever experienced, nor that I expect to experience again - you can only have one first concert back after all.
The fear was still there, but it added focus, rather than distraction. Everything just fell into place. (We didn’t record it, so you can’t dispute that unless you were there).
I am now going to write something that - if I read it on another singer’s blog - I would roll my eyes at and stop reading. Feel free to do the same. Since walking off stage at 2pm yesterday, I have been completely overcome with 6 months worth of pent up emotion. But the biggest thing I feel is gratitude. Gratitude to have had that experience once in my life, even if it never happens again. Gratitude to one of my oldest and dearest friends - Richard - who was at the piano to share in creating this experience. Gratitude to our audience - friends, family, and passers-by - who played a huge part in this incredible atmosphere.
Over lockdown I have been enjoying my practice. And I am very partial to a fun rehearsal. But honestly? This is why we do it.
And this is why we all desperately need live music back in our lives.