Hello everyone.
Long time no see. I’d really love this to be the year I get back into blogging but… well, let’s see if the year is interesting enough first!
I’m here to talk about mental health. As I live through my second winter away from home it is pretty constantly on my mind. I make no secret of not being January’s biggest fan, and it has only got harder since separating myself by 500km from most of the people I love in this world. It is lonely and dark and generally lacking in opportunities for gainful employment. I know it’s February now - and yes, the days are a bit longer - but the above still applies to some degree.
Moving country is tough. Being a freelance musician is tough. The two things compounded are at times pretty devastating. More than I could have ever imagined. (You can also replace tough with amazing in those three sentences on occasion, but that’s not the focus today…)
You know the other thing that happens in January and February? Auditions. Either so many auditions you can’t pause for breath, or a disconcerting lack of auditions. Both are challenging in different ways and this year I am lucky (?) enough to be suffering from the former problem.
So here’s why I’m writing this blog. On Saturday I had a really bad day. I’d just done another less-than-perfect audition, received my ninth - or maybe tenth - rejection email of the year and spent most of the day alternating between staring at my bank account in blind panic, and slumping in an arm chair wondering if it was time to give up and go home.
48 hours later the world looks different. The first step to turning the light back on was a good recording session. The pain (and for me it is painful) of the last two months’ auditioning has given me a wonderful chance to work on my focus, and to get better at delivering in the moment. Today I found that rare synergy of total concentration and fun, which is always reassuring. The second step was receiving some feedback from a rejection. It is all too easy when you get rejected from things to think ‘well that’s it, I’m not good enough’. It was very affirmative to receive kind, honest, constructive feedback, and to find the belief anew that I am good enough - just so are a lot of other people. The third step was getting some work in the diary. Always reassuring. Especially for my bank account.
So, to the title of this post: some day this pain will be useful to you. I’m not sure how or when yet. But from past experience I have absolute faith that one day it will be. Through pain we discover our strength, and in moments of challenge it is important to know how strong you are. To those of you struggling right now, stick with it. It will get better. I don’t know how or when. But it will. In the meantime, find your cheerleaders - the people who say ‘I believe in you’ when you can’t say ‘I believe in myself’.
To finish, a text I sent one of my friends this afternoon, which I think sums up how I feel today: this is challenging and stressful and anxiety inducing but we grow and improve and learn with each opportunity.
Here’s to that.